Bionic Pony

New Year's Resolution

2012-01-04T14:40:00.000-05:00

As I posted on my facebook recently, my new year's resolution is to lose as few body parts as possible. It's good solid advice. I mean, we all need as many body parts as we can keep, am I right?? Alas, I said that I wanted to lose as few as possible, not lose no body parts. For you see, I learned on December 28th, that I am in pretty desperate need of a hip replacement. Not that I didn't know some kind of intervention was coming, the crutches and wheelchair were clues. I just kind of thought that they might need to go in and "clean" things up a little. I don't know if I was being naive or something, but when the doctor told me, I was shocked. It seems silly to think back to my feelings, obviously there is some serious crap going on in there. I can't walk or get in and out of bed by myself. I can't really remember the last time I put on my own socks (I need some new gadgets).

So, I probably will lose the top of my femoral head, but it's all for a greater good, right?? I know that down the road I will feel soooo much better than I do right now. But, where I am right now is wishing I didn't have to be in need of this in the first place. Thinking about those first couple of incredibly painful days, basically re-learning how to walk and months of rehabilitation, still not being able to put my socks on for a period of time (what I wouldn't do for some independence!!), the threat of infection (got first hand experience), and the not being able to go back. Go back to all of my own body parts, to not having yet again some foreign object in my body. There's a level of distrust in my own body.

Sorry this post is a little bit of a downer! I am a bit excited, really. I can't wait to be able to get around without aids, to go outside for a walk with my fella and pup, and to put on my own darn socks! I know the outcome will be good, I just know that the road to get there will be tough.

Accomplishments

2011-12-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

Today's shining glory: only breaking out into massive, sobbing hysterics once (yet - the evening is still young) while trying to get to the bathroom. I'm proud of myself!! I think it only took me 20-25 minutes, too, which is amazing! Okay, okay, Dom basically carried me most of the way up there, but I made it down myself!!

I know I've been MIA lately, and that sucks. This is an RA blog after all, and I've got some RA crap on the go. Despite the fact that most of my time is spent on my couch watching television ALL day long, I do have pretty big things going on in my life, most of which are not fun.

More of a long-winded post, full of depressing crap* soon, I promise!!

* Okay, so my life is not total crap :) I feel with all this stuff, my relationship is getting stronger, I can appreciate those tiny little victories so much, and Christmas is a season I love very much. While, I'm not getting as much accomplished as I'd like (fun shopping, baking, hanging out, etc.), it's still a beautiful time of the year up here in Labrador!

Week 2

2011-09-27T09:20:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts after my first full week of sick leave:

1. Bra-less-ness. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh :)

2. Netflix, how I love thee. Thank you for indulging me in all the movies that Dom hates. Time to catch up on my horrors/thrillers!

3. I just realized, despite not working, I do have my own uniform. It goes like this: sweatpants, t-shirt, slippers, bra optional.

4. Man, I love my couch!

5. Wow, I can kill time like nobody's business. I can't believe I thought I'd be bored!!

When Life Hands You a Float, You Ride It

2011-09-14T09:13:00.000-04:00

So, I work at a feminist organization, and one of the events we hold each year is Take Back the Night. It's an opportunity for women to march down the street, chanting, singing, holding signs and protesting violence against women. Supportive men wait for us at a local park, bbq-ing and preparing for our arrival. Then it's fun family time with singing, poetry and other open-mic type entertainment.

This is one of my favourite events we hold. It's utterly empowering, thrilling and totally fun. Over 100 women and children, a float and a lot of noise.

Getting ready for last year's march

However, this is going to be the first year that I may not be able to walk. I've been in a major flare impacting my right hip and right knee (with some major neck muscle pain to boot) for about two weeks. I can barely make it around my house most days, never mind a 30 minute walk.

As I mentioned above, we do have a float, and I will be taking full advantage. So, this year, instead of walking at the front and chanting until my throat is raw, I will be riding in the back and chanting until my throat is raw. I'm still participating, but I'm a little sad that it's not how I want to be participating.

This is all a lead in to the fact that the march, this Friday night, will be my last day of work for a month. I'm taking off a month paid sick leave to try and get my health back on track, then re-entering work on a part-time basis for a period of time. My workplace is beyond supportive, for which I am unbearably grateful. I know not everyone has this option.

RA got the best of me, y'all. But I'm not going down without a massive fight, and I plan on rising from this crap by taking care of myself and RESTING. What a novel idea :)

Belly Braggin'

2011-07-29T10:28:00.000-04:00

Guess what I've been eating, huh? Strawberries from my garden. That's right, I have my own patch of tasty little morsels in my very own yard. And, yes, I know people have been eating strawberries for a little while now this summer. BUT, I live in Labrador people, and it's pretty amazing to eat something out of my yard when it's not even August yet (which is in a couple of days, but whatever). It's not exactly the tropics around here.

I think I could be at least documenting some of my garden on camera so I could physically show off to people...I'll get on that. In the meantime, here is a picture of a patch of strawberries not in my garden (and my patch doesn't have that many red yet. It's still Labrador. While it's 28 degrees Celsius this week, it was 7 degrees Celsius last week. I've only eaten maybe 6 strawbs thus far):

You are the sunshine of my life

Tastes of Home

2011-07-06T12:26:00.001-04:00

How can eating fish make me so happy?? I don't think I need anything else in my life at this very moment other than this freshly caught salmon with spinach, red pepper and avocado salad. Salmon caught by my uncle. I guess it would be better if Dom were here, but I know he is probably right now eating his exact replica of a lunch, so we're good.

This should be us, in a few weeks:

Dom and I summer 2009, cleaning the salmon we caught.

I wish I could still squat down like that!

Living the good life, I tell ya! Summer in Labrador ain't nothin' to be sneered at. I'll soon be in my small, ocean-side hometown, fishing, attending a salmon festival (a whole festival dedicated to my one true love - after Domino), whale-gazing, eating great food, and loving my family. Can't wait!

* edited to add: I don't know what in the crap is up with Blogger, but I currently can't comment on any blogs - mine or otherwise. I wanted to comment in the post down below and thank everyone for their support in this wacky/anxious/exciting journey I am on. So, thank you!
Much love and peace, Pony.

Good Things...

2011-06-20T15:26:00.000-04:00

1. Summer, though the temperatures are a little on the low side. On the upswing, though!

2. Sunflower seed butter. Melty on my oatmeal. Who knew??

3. The tulips in the strawberry patch.

4. The strawberry patch, for that matter.

5. A three day work week coming up. Monday and Friday off. Sa-weet!!

5. Having clear fallopian tubes. Truly under-rated, and pretty key in this baby-makin' business :)

Send Some Love?

2011-06-03T10:50:00.000-04:00

Well, in a couple of hours time, I'll be off to the doctor's to stick my feet in stirrups have an HSG test done, which is basically a fertility test to see if my tubes are open. I'm excited and scared and looking forward to answers (whether negative or positive!). When I started this blog, it was to find support, from anyone with RA, but mostly to talk about being a woman with RA and trying for a baby. I never thought it would come to me talking about infertility like this, but here we are. And, support I get in droves! Despite this post, I feel optimistic, as whatever news I get today, there are paths to take (either easy or expensive and time-consuming-whatever, they're still options).

Just lookin' for some good vibes!! Thanks :)

Back To Life, Back to Hyper Dog Activity

2011-05-09T13:08:00.000-04:00

Back from vacation, back from a work trip, back to reality where my four-pound weight loss was shot out the window because of vacation, and back to dog-sitting (by myself). Yeeeaaaahhhh.

Why do I feel like I need a vacation just after I had a vacation???

Oh, and that picture down there, the one in the post below where I am all warm and sunny in Montreal? Never happened. No, no, no, it had to be the coldest temperatures in 70 years while we were there. And rain. Which has resulted in an awful flood in St-Jean-sur-Richelieu, my sweetie's hometown. Not to worry, all the family are safe and sound, as are their houses. Not so for about 3000 other homes and buildings in the town. Please give a shout-out, prayer, thought or anything else to the folks of Richelieu, who are going through some pretty crap time right now. Which makes my crap time pretty insignificant.

Slow and Steady Drops the Pounds

2011-04-11T10:30:00.000-04:00

Just popping in to brag that I am down about four pounds!! This has happened in the past month, so about a pound a week, which is pretty reasonable. Especially considering the flares I've been having (in my hip!!! NOOOO!!!!!), coupled with the icy conditions (aka, little walking for me) spring often brings. My focus has been on my serving sizes, and I've even been eating treats (of the ice cream and cream egg varieties).

I'm assuming all my hard work will be undone as this Friday, Dom and I are off on a road trip to the Montreal area for 10 days!! Aside from family time, all our plans revolve around food: Dom's favourite pizza place; crazy poutine (involving coleslaw - don't knock it til you've tried it! I knocked it, then tried it and am now contrite); SUGAR SHACK (that deserves bold letters cause they revolve around maple syrup, my crack, if you will); various other lovely restaurants; grocery shopping for non existent in Labrador foods; and I'm assuming crepes made by the ma-in-law :)

The last time I was in Montreal in April (2008), it looked like this:

Sunshine, warm temps, lovely outdoor cafe with amazing brie-honey sandwiches, awesome shirt borrowed from friend, awesome baby borrowed from friend....perfect spring day!

The Big, Dreaded Word

2011-03-18T09:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I have to admit I fell off the wagon last night. I totally ate junk food for my dinner as a result of my emotional eating. However, I've decided I don't really care about it as my afternoon delivered the big, dreaded word: infertility. Now, I am not saying I am infertile, but I am saying I might be. I'm saying my OB/GYN spoke with Dom and I about possibly taking fertility meds. I am saying I delivered a request from my doctor to radiology for a test for infertility (a pretty invasive one, I might add!) that stated, "INFERTILITY" on it. I'm saying I nearly lost my shit in radiology. It just makes it so much more real having it written by someone else on paper.

This appointment was followed by a couple of tears and a greasy supper that I somehow feel soothes my sorrow, which was then followed by a visit with a happy-go-lucky pregnant friend (which is wonderful, but slightly brutal on that particular day).

I've decided that I am allowed to have "infertility days". I'm guessing these will be my appointment/procedure days. Days that if I am craving crap, I'm going to go with it. Days when I don't need to visit with friends, especially friends that are pregnant. I dearly love my friends, and I love talking about their pregnancies (I did want to be a midwife), but sometimes I don't need the reminder that this hasn't been, and maybe won't be, an easy road for me.

Not About Bikinis...

2011-03-10T16:35:00.000-05:00

Sigh. As a staunch feminist I don't advocate for "perfect" bodies. I love all shapes and sizes, and believe that health and happiness can be at any weight. However, in the past year and a half (or so) I've gained about 20 pounds. I think I have been eating a bit more crap than what I used to, but the real culprit is my drop in physical activity. I used to walk everywhere, snowshoe, elliptical, hike, generally build up a sweat on a daily basis. But, with this dumb ankle, and dumb hip, I just can't maintain that level anymore.

I wasn't underweight to begin with, so I'm not too into the idea of carrying around a bunch of extra weight on my already stressed out ankle. I don't think I'm at a weight (around 155 at 5'3 and a half) that is really impacting my health, other than my joints. I've also been thinking that when (not if!) I get pregnant, that's a bunch more impact added to my poor joints. So, folks, I'm on a very healthy mission to lose about 15-20 pounds. I'm trying to incorporate more activity into my life (much more regular walking and hopefully I'll get back to my Pilate's), but the real change has to be my food intake. Dom and I are generally super healthy eaters, I guess I just eat too much. So, lately I've been cutting down sizes and really trying to pay attention to my body and what it needs. It hasn't been horrific thus far and I have eaten some amazing food.

I just hate being a woman talking about losing weight! Somehow I feel like I am going against so much of what I believe in. Except, I believe in being healthy and I don't feel healthy at this weight (my ankle sure doesn't!). So, hell no, I'm not on a diet! I guess I'm just trying to be more intuitive. Anyone have any good vibes to send my way? I can still be a feminist if I want to lose weight for my health, right?

32

2011-02-17T15:51:00.000-05:00

Here's to a great year, full of family, friends, love, baby-makin' fun, simple cups of tea, flares, accomplishments, ups, downs and all the in-betweens. Here's to being wiser, gaining strength and letting go of some crap. Here's to wishes and dreams, and not letting go of them. Here's to boat-loads of birthday cake from some amazing people.

I'm determined that my 32nd year, which starts today, will be the best one I've yet to see :) Much love and peace, friends!

Morning Conversation

2011-02-03T08:34:00.000-05:00

Scene: Me sitting, N coming over to say hi.

Me: "Morning!"

N: "Good morning, are you putting on weight?"

Me: "YES."

N: "Are you pregnant?"

Me: "NO."

N: "Oh, I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant. Cause you're putting on weight."

Me: "Nope, not pregnant."

N: "OH! Guess what?? So-and-so is in labour! It's so exciting!!!"

Wham, bam, schlam. Three for one. YES, I have gained weight. NO, despite trying for 15 cycles I am still not pregnant. OH, everyone else is pregnant and having their babies?? THAT'S GREAT.

Note: I have only slightly altered this conversation. There was a side conversation about going to the bank after I said good morning, and the story about the labouring woman was wayyyy longer than I depicted. Other than that, it is nearly word for word. Such is my life.

Just A Quickie

2011-01-24T12:56:00.000-05:00

I'm just popping in to brag: IT'S SNOWING!!!!! I know for many this isn't something to be so excited about, but I truly am! I know I'm not the one who has to shovel it, but still. It's so beautiful and calming, and besides, it helps to insulate houses from the -20C temps we've been having in these parts.

I'M SO BLISSED OUT RIGHT NOW :D

For Squirrel!

2011-01-16T10:13:00.000-05:00

In my last post I mentioned snowshoeing, my beloved winter activity. Squirrel, over at Feelin' Swell: My Life With RA, questioned me as to what the heck this actually is. Well, far be it from me to get over-excited and blab on and on about snowshoeing!

For starters, here are a few pics of me snowshoeing over Christmas break:

In the top photo you can see the Franster joining me in a pose while modeling her Christmas bandanna (yes I am a nerd who puts a bandanna on her dog!). And, the bottom is an action shot. We don't have much snow, but I was desperate to get out! :)

Basically snowshoeing is the use of snowshoes to be able to walk on snow, distributing weight evenly to avoid sinking into it too deeply. This is pretty key for places that get many feet/metres of snow. Snowshoes are traditionally a wooden, ovalish frame with woven rawhide (or rope, or any other long rope-like thing). Modern snowshoes are metal, no real weaving, and are generally smaller. I can't really see them working in very deep snow, due to their size. These are not for me. I like the wooden/woven ones.

(Here is where I would insert a close-up pic of a more traditional snowshoe, but blogger is being a jerk. Instead here is a wikipedia link to have a look at one type of snowshoe).

Snowshoeing is my favourite form of exercise, it is my favourite way to burn calories, to socialize, to de-stress, to walk the dog, to re-energize and to enjoy the outdoors. When I couldn't snowshoe last year, due to my dumb ankle, I cried. When I tried again this year, and was able to do it, I cried again. I am in no way an exercise lover (I am in fact, quite lazy), but there is something about it that enthralls me. It works my muscles like crazy, while simultaneously linking me to nature (I live in Labrador for a reason).

As, I type this I look out the window to see snow softly falling, a promise of snowshoe days to come. This truly is my bliss. Thanks for the opportunity to share this, Squirrel!

Boring

2011-01-14T11:22:00.000-05:00

Trying to find the energy, or something, to write a proper blog post....and not quite getting there. I've even been doing terrible at reading other's posts! I feel neglectful of this sad blog, and the community that I get so much support from. And, it's not that I don't have anything to write about: intense flare in my right knee, rendering it's resemblance to a watermelon to be a shade too scary; a wonderful, relaxing Christmas; being able to snowshoe again (thank goodness!!!); and my continuing rant about the state of the environment (i.e. the crappy/warm/rainy/snowless weather we've been having. Which also leads to a rant about being physically able to snowshoe again, but lacking the actual snow to do it). Other than that, it's all boring around here :)

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-23T14:16:00.000-05:00

Wishing a wonderful Christmas to all my bloggy friends! And, to my RA friends, may this Christmas find you un-swollen, pain-free, well-rested and mobile enough to dance around any tree! Thank you for all the support this past year. I hope Santa is good to everyone :)

The Weather Lady Edition

2010-12-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

I'd like to think that my blog has not resorted to a weather blog. I mean, I love the weather, but I don't really want to write about it. But, sadly, this is not the case. I am going to write about it. It's consuming me at the moment! I have other, more interesting things I could write about. Like how yesterday was my sweetie's birthday and our dog ate about a quarter of the cake I made for him. Or how we've started fertility testing. Or just how much sugar I have been consuming. But, no folks, I'm going to continue to rant about the weather.

I hate it. Plain and simple. Apparently, the other day, it was 7*C here and 4*C in Miami. Just to give you a better idea of where we are in relation to Miami, have a gander at this:

You can see where Happy Valley - Goose Bay is on the upper right part of North America and where Miami is on the lower right, and just how far away they are from each other.

Yeahhhh.

Having no snow blows.

All I Want For Christmas....

2010-12-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

...(aside from a baby, that is) is some freakin' snow. Even just a light dusting. I live in northeastern Canada and it was sunny and 10*C yesterday. Seriously. December 6th and it was significantly above zero. Last year we were out on ski-doo getting our christmas tree around this time. Looks like this year we'll have to borrow my mom's truck to get one. I'm somewhat getting into the mood of the season, but still get confused seeing all the houses lit up with no snow. At first glance I think, "why are they decorated so early??" And then I have to remind myself that it's not early. Christmas is just around the bend.

I don't want a green christmas, not in Labrador! If you see someone moving funny and flailing her arms, dont' worry, that's just me doing a snow dance. Please send all your good snow vibes my way!

What IF: A Portrait of Infertility

2010-11-16T11:48:00.000-05:00

This has helped me beyond words today....

Munsch on this!

2010-11-03T08:40:00.000-04:00

Well, well, well! For any Canadian, or any children's book lover for the matter, the name Robert Munsch might ring a bell. He's the beloved author of such books as: Love You Forever, 50 Below Zero, and my personal favourite The Paperbag Princess. He is a prolific writer, and I have been loving him since I was a child.

Well, just a couple of months ago I found out about a story competition. A competition hosted by Scholastic in which three unpublished stories based in communities in Canada vie for the most votes. The winning story will be Robert Munsch's latest publication AND Mr. Munsch himself will go to the community to launch the book.

So, one of the competing towns just happened to be my hometown of Rigolet, Labrador. I voted my little heart out, I told everybody about it (except here, which is totally ridiculous), and blasted it on my facebook at random times. The winner was announced on November 1st. Can you guess what community won? Really, can you??? That's right, little ol' Rigolet took it!! My beautiful hometown of about 350 people will have a children's book published with a story set there. I'm so proud!

Anyway, I really just wanted to boast about my little town, we were competing against some much bigger communities, but really went all out to vote and win this thing. To further give evidence of how small my town is, and just how cool this win is, here is a not-so-great, but completely community encompassing pic. Yup, it is that small:

I don't need no education...or do I??

2010-11-01T19:26:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhhh!!!!!! I just don't know what to do. I had an epiphany a while back about what I want to be when I grow up: a natural nutritionist. It was such an aha! moment. I'm passionate about food and its relation to health, and will talk to anybody about it, so this is a pretty natural step.

I even found a school that does it through distance. But, I'm pretty sure that even at 31 years old, I'm not fully grown-up yet. Should I just start school now, and then use it how I will, or should I just wait a few years, as was my original plan?? Or, should I just go ahead and do a starter course that can be done on its own, either for personal knowledge or as a lead-in to the full program? I just can't seem to get around to doing anything. Which leads me to believe that I am not ready. Or, maybe just lazy.

Basically, I just want someone to tell me what to do. That's right, I want total strangers giving me advice on my career path. Anyone??

What The Heck???

2010-10-22T10:20:00.000-04:00

So, as I was talking on the phone and resting my fingers on my desk (bending them slightly backward) when I noticed a big lump on the main joint of my pointing finger. I poked it and it hurt, I looked at the other hand, and it was lump-free. People, I think I have my first RA nodule. Well, not including this weird lump in my left elbow that may, or may not be, a nodule. Who knows what's going on in there, I do know there isn't much joint left, but there must be some crap floating around.

Anyway, back to my finger. I hadn't noticed it before today, and now it's the only thing I can focus on. It feels weird developing a stereotypical symptom after 10 years of having RA. Anyone else have nodules? Do they hurt? Could this be some other, foreign lump?

Even Better Victories

2010-10-21T10:38:00.000-04:00

No matter what, no matter how crappy I feel, I will not let RA get me down. Well, for any length of time, anyway. Though I don't want to be bogged down in negativity and anger, I do feel it is good sometimes to allow yourself to experience emotions, to own and live in sadness/anger/frustration/helplessness for a little while.

It is always a roller-coaster, this disease. The ups and downs are extreme and varying. Sometimes the ups last and last, and sometimes they are short. The same for the downs. Though it does seem like the good times fly by quicker than the bad :)

I've learned that my good times are very different than I would have categorized them in the past. My up time still includes painful, damaged joints. I still limp in my up times. I still need help with countless tasks. But comparing it to my down time less than a year ago, when I could barely walk around my house, when my husband had to literally carry me from our car to our house, and my up looks pretty damn bright.

The key is refusing to give up, and I believe, not knowing there is an option of giving up. I still remember a visit with my rheumy nearly ten years ago. At the time I was a full-time university student who also volunteered. The clinic was a teaching one and he loved having me come in for an appointment when the students were in. What better way to break the stereotype of only "older" people having RA than by having your 22 year old patient with severe RA in for an appointment. As he sat there explaining to them the limits of my body, the damage already done, the various meds I was on and had already tried, he quoted, "I don't know how she does it. She could be at home, in bed all day." And my immediate thought was, "I could?" I had no idea that was an option. Really. I thought I had to keep living life, pushing through. And, I do.

The ups come, they really do. You just have to look at them differently then you used to. Change your perspective and you will see it. You may not be the same as you used to be, but accepting that allows you to see your growth and the new "ups" when they come.

Little Victories

2010-10-20T12:18:00.000-04:00

I work at a Women's Centre that also has a thrift store at the back of the building (with it's own entrance on the side). We frequently get people coming into the front offices looking for the thrift store. And sometimes, just sometimes, people complain or feel the need to instruct us to put up a sign so they know where to go (when I politely inform them the store is around the back).

In a very non-rude, and friendly way I really, really love telling them that we do, in fact, have two signs out front (with an arrow and everything), as well as a sign on the side of the building. Yup, people, we have the signs covered. I get it when people don't notice the signs and come in confused. But what strikes me as hilarious is when they come in and tell us to put up signs when there are three of 'em. Total fail :)

And that is my pathetic little victory of the day. Does that make me rude? It's an internal victory.

Promise

2010-10-18T11:18:00.000-04:00

Holy crow, I don't think I could have eaten any more crap than I did this weekend. I won't go into the details (because it's embarrassing), but for someone who regularly preaches about eating healthily, this was absolutely ridiculous. Especially as our refrigerator was full of fresh vegetables and hours-old, local, free-range eggs. No excuse except laziness and cravings (not of the pregnant variety, I might add).

So this week, I am making a promise to myself to eat as well as I can. I don't feel too guilty about it, as we don't eat out that much. But, I know I feel better when I eat better. So, no more take-out this week. It must stop now.

My friend and I were talking about it last night and she figures it must be a fall thing. It's getting colder with less sun-light. I'm pretty sure that is playing a big role in it. Anyone else finding it hard to eat well lately?

Short Post of Pride

2010-10-12T14:42:00.000-04:00

Just cause I keep bragging to everyone I know, I figure I should brag here, too :) This weekend my sweetie ran in a 10k as a part of our local marathon, the Trapline Marathon. He beat his goal time and came in 12th out of 138 runners! I was pumped to meet him at the finish line, as well as witness all of the other runner's achievements.

Here is a pic of him crossing the finish line. Note that the clock says "2:49:52". His time was 49:52, the 2 hours was the start of the full marathon.

I don't think I could be prouder :) Way to go, my love!

Book Review: Arthritis, Pregnancy And The Path To Parenthood

2010-10-06T12:51:00.000-04:00

Let me just start out this post with a little note that I bought this book am discussing it purely of my own choice, and these opinions are entirely personal.

So, I actually read this book quite a while ago and am only now getting around to writing about it. I'm guessing it's because I had such a struggle reading it. Honestly this book left me feeling bad about myself. I think it can be a wonderful resource to those newly diagnosed, or those that do not have severe RA. I found myself flinging this book onto the floor several times with my husband gently reminding me that I should not be reading something that makes me feel so bad.

The thing is this: the author stopped taking all meds prior to even trying to get pregnant, then remaining off of them while trying, and continuing to do so while pregnant. I do not have this luxury. I stopped taking meds for a weekend (and even then I was taking tylenol!) and was unable to move on monday. I can't imagine the past 10 months with no meds. The author was also able to take time from work to cope with the pain associated with taking nothing. A one-income household just does not cut it for us right now.

In a way, this book felt priveledged to me. I know that a lot of women cease taking medications while trying to get pregnant, but not all of us can. I also felt that there wasn't enough depth to the suggestions for coping. I wanted specifics of great ways of carrying your baby when dealing with RA in your arms, or easier clothes to put on your baby, that kind of thing. I wanted more meat.

I guess my issue is that I just couldn't relate to this book. Her experience is so vastly different than mine, and I wanted to read something that spoke to me. All in all, this book was not for me, but like I said, I think it could be beneficial to women who have low to moderate RA and are relatively newly diagnosed.

I hope this post wasn't too harsh. I don't want to come across as mean, just that it wasn't helpful to me. I have to continue taking meds while trying to conceive, and I don't need to feel anymore guilty about that then I already do. I completely respect Suzie Edward May and the choices that she made, and the fact that she was able to have children without also needing meds. I just wish that there were a book out there that related to my story, you know?

The Waiting Game

2010-09-30T10:38:00.000-04:00

Ever get tired and tired of waiting for something that just doesn't appear as though it will happen? Well, of course everyone feels like that sometimes, and trust me, I am feeling like that right now. You see, my sweetie and I have been trying to have a baby for over 10 months now. I know it's not a ridiculous amount of time, but it is kinda long. The first few months were brutal and heart-wrenching (I don't have much patience), but then I settled into it. I decided to live and love and appreciate my life as it is right now, minus a baby. This whole summer was great, interspersed with some sadness and tears and anger whenever my period started. But, that sadness never lasted long. And, for the record, trying to make a baby is fun :)

I'm still pretty calm and collected about it, I know it will happen when it's supposed to happen. But, right now, I am annoyed. Yup, freakin' annoyed. C'mon body, you've treated me like crap for the past 10 years, can't ya just give a little??

Now, not to worry :) For the most part, my life is still sunshine and rainbows. I'm not even remotely bitter about it, and still get completely blissed out about others pregnancies (Nadine, I am looking at you! I wanna touch your growing belly!). I love my hubby more than ever, I've got an amazing group of friends, and there have been some cool happenings in my little town. I think about my goals and dreams for me, not just for me as a future mom.

I guess I just needed to put it down on screen. I feel better :)

Sock grips?

2010-09-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

So, the intense flare is over, but I'm having lingering pain in my left shoulder and left knee. And the hip is still stiff, but not as bad as before. Just preventing me from easily putting on my right sock in the morning. Am I really going to have to ask my husband to put on my sock for me? I'm not saying this is a bad thing (cause we all know we need help from time to time. Or everyday.), it's just that it's one more thing I need help with. I'm also sleeping much better (as in a couple of hours in a row, yay!) and waking up less stiff. All in all, not too shabby :) I'm hoping that the slightly less busy, less frequent travelling in my future will help out with this.

Thanks for everyone's good thoughts and kind words. They are invaluable to me. The reason I started this blog was to get and give support, and I am getting it in droves. Whether that is by you stopping in to comment on one of my posts, or by me reading all of yours. Thank each and every one of you RA-battling heroes! You totally rock!

Gimme a break

2010-09-07T13:44:00.000-04:00

Really, RA? You're really moving into my hips??? The one part of me that I would brag about to folks, "but at least I have good strong hips!"??? I mean, I know I had that one night flare ten years ago in my right hip, but nothing since then. Why are you all up in my grill (whatever that means)???? And, now that we're talking, why have you moved into my left shoulder? You've dominated my right shoulder for over a year now, rendering it incapable of being raised above my head. Now you want to do that to my other one? What, you want to ensure that I have dirty hair cause I can't reach up and completely wash my hair? So now I can barely reach my head AND my feet. Thanks a lot, jerk.

Oh crud, I just took a proactive break from ranting to book an appointment with my doctor for some cortisone shots in said nasty joints and he is away for the next few weeks. And, getting cortisone shots makes me really paranoid. I've had doctors struggle giving them to me, banging into the bone, so I don't want to just go to anyone. Poop.

On a positive note (and despite how it may seem, I do try to remain positive) I just got back from my best friend's wedding and it was beautiful! I was in massive flare mode, but I had a great time visiting long time friends, decorating, getting mani/pedis (for the first time ever!) and eating a lot of food. I'll write more on this later, I promise!!

Help a Maid of Honour Out!

2010-08-19T14:58:00.000-04:00

Hey folks! Well, in less than two weeks my bestie is getting married :) And, as the title of this post suggests, I am the maid of honour. And, one of the duties that comes along with that is giving a speech. Now, I could go on and on about how much I love my friend and how happy I am for her, but I'd like it to be coherent and a little bit relevant to the day.

So, my plea is this: does anyone have any suggestions for me for a non-religious, slightly quirky speech on my best friend's wedding day? I've been working on it, but I need more cohesion.

I appreciate any and all suggestions :)

Thanks!

One Lovely Blog Award

2010-08-16T15:24:00.000-04:00

The lovely Laurie has once again gifted me with an award! The "One Lovely Blog Award", in fact :) Laurie mentions that it's because I'm funny, Canadian and I like pie, which I think are awesome reasons to win an award! Especially the pie part.

So, now I send this award on to some more lovely bloggers (some of whom may have already received this, I think it's been making the rounds):

Mike over at My Life and New Fight with Ra. Mike has already gotten this award, but I wanted to give him another, cause he's pretty awesome, full of positivity and compliments, and he's a freakin' firefighter with RA! Major props for that, dude. I mean, c'mon.

Confessions of an RA Superbitch. I'm pretty sure her blog title is reason enough to win numerous awards the world over. But the real reason is that she tells it like it friggen is.

Squirrel over at Feelin' Swell: My Life with RA. I'm lovin' her blog, she's got great insight into young life with RA. Plus she went to a camp for young folks with RA, and I'm a wee bit jealous. Okay, fine, a whole lot jealous. Plus, she went to Spain recently. And, she lives in Scotland. Awesomeness abounds!

Judy over at Ra is Wild. I can't get over how active and fit this woman is! She goes on hiking/backpacking trips that I only dream about. Though, we may plan a little RA gal hiking trip on the Appalachian Trail, huh, Judy? I wish :)

Just passin' on the RA blog love :)

Totally Shallow

2010-08-04T19:36:00.000-04:00

This is awful of me, but as I was out walking tonight (at a decent pace, I must add) an elderly lady with a hunchback passed me. As in, walking faster than I was. Admittedly, I was on the end of my walk, my ankle was a-killin' me, and this lady was motoring, but still. Is it terrible of me to be a wee bit upset about this?? That an elderly lady with a hunchback passed me???? I'm only 31 for pete's sake!

Her calf muscles were killer.

She's Alive!!

2010-08-03T12:13:00.000-04:00

I'm totally back from vacation (like, a week ago), but can't seem to get off my bottom and write a post about it (complete with pictures!). We had a blast, and as my ankle us way better than last year, I got to do way more activities (including hiking the International Appalachian Trail!!!). I just felt like doing this lame post 'cause I haven't posted in about a month.

I promise I will do a proper post about vacay (complete with pictures!!) really, really soon. Soon.

Dilemma and Goal-Achievement!

2010-07-07T09:32:00.000-04:00

So, we are leaving for a much needed vacation on friday and my dilemma is this: I'm due to take my humira shot next thursday (in the middle of vacay) and we are going to be driving/camping. Should I take the needle with us in a cooler and risk the temperature getting all wonky and possibly ruined, or should I just leave it and take it when I get home? If I left it home, I would be taking it a week and a half late. I'm pretty inclined to leave it at home, but am a bit worried that that extra week and a half would put a painful damper on our vacation.

I wish planning a summer road trip didn't also mean having to plan around refrigerated meds!

To end on a positive note, I am beyond pumped about this holiday! Initially we were planning a trip for the end of august, but due to work commitments, we are now leaving in a couple of days. The sooner the better, I say. This holiday couldn't have come at a better time: work is beyond hectic, we've had to deal with no running water, then no hot water at home. And, to top it all off, our car died (which would have really sent our vacation into a tail-spin as that was our way of gettin' outta here). But, the car is fixed, and due to my beloved, we have glorious, running, hot water :) Yay for showers!

So, on friday, we are headed out to Gaspesie, a peninsula in Quebec. For a fish-lover such as myself, this is going to be a heaven. AND, folks, I will be fulfilling a goal that I had made for myself a couple of years back!!! I had read this book and totally loved it. It was funny and made me absolutely determined to someday hike the Appalachian Trail. Well, the International Appalachian Trail starts in Gaspesie!!!! I'm actually going to get to hike on it! I can't wait!

Love/Hate Relationship

2010-07-01T20:56:00.000-04:00

No matter how long you have been injecting yourself, how many needles have pierced your skin, it always sucks to have to do a shot. There it sits on my table, taunting me, warming up to room temperature to hopefully not sting too much. I don't even want to really know what's in it, cause I'm pretty sure that would freak me out. It's not even the needle sharpness that hurts, it's the med itself. Grrr.

Go away, you stupid needle! No, wait, come back. As much as I want to never see you again, you are helping me (in your own sick, twisted way). At this point I wouldn't be walking without you. I guess you are doomed to be a part of my life for the time-being. Sigh.

In a sea of negativity, in she walks...

2010-06-29T10:41:00.000-04:00

People continually amaze me with their generosity. They really, really do. I work at a Women's Centre. This is not a women's shelter, we are more of a resource/referral/advocacy agency for any woman in our region. A few months back I, along with a couple of women I sat on a committee with, started a community drive gathering donations of toiletries for women to access for free. We have always known there was an issue with this stuff, we keep pads on site from which women could take a couple, as well as being the drop-off for folks gathering those little bottles from hotels. It can get freakin' expensive you know? Especially if you are on a fixed income (social assistance up here in Canada), as most of the women we work with are.

Well, we realized that there is wayyyy more of a need than a couple of pads and little bottles, so "Women Helping Women" was born. We did some advertising, told everyone that we worked with, and were completely overwhelmed by the community's generosity. Offices put out donation boxes and held comptetions to see who can get the most stuff collected. I'm pretty sure every church in our area had a box for us next to their food donation box. There were massive boxes coming in, garbage bags full. We got donations of money to buy what we needed. A baby shower was held with the intention of all gifts being a donation. It was nuts. And, this program is popular. I have no idea how many women have used it since March. Some only once, some come in each month. All are generally surprised that they can come here and get free stuff. It's currently the absolute favourite part of my job.

So, our stock has been getting pretty low and I put out another call for donations. And, this afternoon in walks a woman I went to school with, carrying a bag full of stuff (everything from deodarant, toothpaste, pads, tampons, baby soap, bodywash). We had a great chat about what we were up to, how great the program was, yada, yada, yada. I mentioned how difficult it is for women to have to buy these things when on social assistance and she proceeded to tell me she knew all about that as she is on social assistance. I was all, "you're on social assistance and you're donating to US????" She does have supportive parents, but mostly she has a keen eye for deals, buys in bulk when she can and is a master budgeter. Even with a really (and I mean really) limited income, she wanted to be able to donate to this project.

I am humbled and, oh, so happy today. I really just wanted to write this post to continue to thank her and thank her and thank her.

Edited to add: I wrote this post with the intention of later posting it. About two hours after she dropped off the first bag she came back with another from her mom.

Dear Mother Nature

2010-06-28T10:36:00.000-04:00

Please send some warm and sunny weather our way. Not to be a Negative Nelly but I'm kinda cold, slightly depressed due to lack of sunshine, and a little tired of having to wear full-length pants and sweaters all the time when it is nearly July. I understand that rain is really important for warding off forest fires, especially in this fire-laden area of the world. However, I feel that we can come to a mutual agreement that a couple of nice days in a row may not be too dangerous? Even if you are worried about fires, perhaps you could warm it up just a little? All of this rain would be a bit more bearable if it weren't so frigid. I promise to be better at enjoying your wondrous beauty, weeding my garden, and as an extra bonus I will actually get to use my clothesline.

Much love and many thanks,
Steph

P.S. I think you are really pretty when you showcase ALL the different types of weather you possess. Not just the cold and rainy days.

Garden pictures from two weeks ago

2010-06-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

Just because I've been a bit of a slacker lately, I thought I'd put up some pics of our finally-planted garden :)

First up, our beans and peas:

And, naturally, Fran being cute with scary eyes next to our new fire pit:

And, because blogger is being a big wiener-head with my pics, here is the picture I had posted FIRST, but has decided to jump down to the bottom, and I cannot for-the-life-of-me manage to get it back up top. Our potatoes, beets and carrots:

And my sweet little daffodils that I thought were crocuses when I planted them:

I forgot to take the pictures of the little mini-greenhouse that contains our spinach, swiss chard and kale, and I ain't gonna try after this hulla-balloo. I have no idea why this post was so hard to do. Blogger, why do you hate me so???

On another note, the gardening that I did do, which admittedly is a lot less than the work that Dom did, made me sore for a good week. Not joint sore, but leg muscle sore. I have this habit, as my knees don't like to squat for any length of time, of bending straight over at the waist when I garden. So, basically I was stretching on and off for a couple of hours. Stretching is great. Extensive stretching when your are not particularly stretchy is not so great. I think I need to invest in a little stool if I want to spend any time in our garden this summer.

Current Philosophy

2010-06-11T08:44:00.000-04:00

This is a wonderful philosophy from one of my favourite characters, one that I'm trying to tell myself all the time. In a good way of course! Things are great, but I need to just keep swimming. Especially as I prepare for yet another work trip, work on increasing my patience, and try to deal with stupid blogger being a curmudgeon about posting pictures right now. Anyhoo, I'm off to follow the wisdom of Dorrie.

Night and Day

2010-05-31T08:35:00.000-04:00

I'm realizing this morning, as I type slowly with my stupid wrist, that I have different types of flares dependant on the time of day. In the beginning of all of this, there were some flares that just lasted and lasted, for days, weeks, months on end. However, as I got my disease under control I notice that they come differently. For example, I had a night flare last night. I went to bed fine (some achy muscles due to a long bike ride and gardening, nothing extreme) and proceeded to wake up an unbelievable amount of time in ridiculous pain, and unable to get comfortable. However, I know that as this day wears on, and my meds kick in, I will start to feel fine. Tired, but in much less pain.

Then there are the day flares. I wake up fine, then an ache starts to set in, or worse yet, it comes on sudden. A screeching immediate pain in one joint, that then may spread throughout my body. I get immobilized, overwhelmed and tired. This flare may last for days, but if I can find a fairly comfy position (usually on my back, arms straight at my sides), I can sleep okay.

I've yet to find many triggers for my RA, other than stress or lack of sleep. I can't find a food that can start a flare, or many environmental factors. I do know for my health in general, I need to eat balanced, with lots of fruit and veggies, and get some gentle exercise.

I wonder what brings on a day flare, and what brings on a night flare?

Leavin' On A Not-So-Jet Plane

2010-05-17T13:05:00.000-04:00

Well, here I go work-travelling again. It's a good thing that I don't want a job that involves a lot of travel! This is my fourth trip since february for work. And leaving here is not easy, it's a good hour and a half to where I'm going , then a 45 minute bus ride. Fortunately, I've got my i-pod and book to keep me going. Oh, and the title of my post is in reference to the little planes we get to travel in around here. The one I'm on today is not bad, but it ain't no jet plane.

I may not be very active this week due to this, but I hope to keep up with everyone's posts/news. I also really hope that this doesn't send me into a flare like the last trip (which I am now just recovering from). Oh well. At least I'll be somewhere new, eating good food and doing a bit of shopping. The biggest light at the end of this tunnel is that this coming weekend is a long one and my sweetie and I are hiking up to the cabin. No phones, no t.v., no electricity. Just us and our doggie :) It'll be good recuperation time.

Winter Wonderland...in May

2010-05-13T13:38:00.001-04:00

This was our backyard, this morning. I wish I had taken a picture last night, when all the trees were still covered. I think we had near 30 cm of snow yesterday, May 12th. That's pretty bad even for us Labrador folks. I don't mind winter, but you can't do anything in this snow. Here is a picture I took about a month ago:

Sigh.

Adventures in flying with pie

2010-05-11T12:30:00.000-04:00

Um, so I have no excuse for not posting lately. I think I have the case of the, "I'm still incredibly boring" again. Welp, no biggie. I DID go on a work trip last week to the southern part of Labrador/Quebec. That was pretty damn awesome/pretty damn windy. I also took some pics:

You may, or may not, notice that these picures are all taken from my hotel window. When I said it was windy, I meant it. There was one day I didn't even go outside. And the other days involved going out the hotel to the van to go for a drive. To a bakery to buy pie. Which led to an adventure at the airport involving my pie, a check through security, being told I would have to pack my pie in my backpack and check it in (yeah, pie in a backpack), having to check said pie in a box, check-in at the front counter, another incredibly thorough check throught security (my friends cookies being taken away from her), and ending with the realization when I was landing at home, that they never ONCE checked my I.D. Nada. But, I got home, and my pie got home. It was so-so, a little smooshed, and not super-tasty.

Despite the pie-hassle, this trip was beautiful! The skies, coastline, and landscape are breathtaking. I'm hoping to spend more time there this summer on our holidays. Hopefully it won't be as windy. And, maybe I'll pick out a tastier pie.

Testing, Testing

2010-04-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

So, I did something kind of stupid, yet interesting over the weekend. Bear with me here. I had been reading over and over how anti-inflammatories can affect your chances of getting pregnant (preventing the implantation of the blastocyst). I've been taking anti-inflammatories and I'm still not pregnant. I know that it hasn't been very long, we're in our fifth month of trying now. But, what if it is making a difference? What if the five months turns into eighteen? Or something? So, without doctor knowledge, I stopped taking my diclofenac and took acetaminophen instead. A combination of expired acetaminophen (discovered later) and acetaminophen for arthritis. Yeah.

So, the friday evening and saturday went pretty good, I went for a walk and everything. But sunday turned bad. And monday morning was a crazy beast who was repeatedly slapping and punching me everywhere on my body. I hadn't experienced such global pain since my diagnosis days. Needless to say, when I had my breakfast monday morning, it was accompanied by a diclofenac.

Now, I'm just annoyed. I know I need the diclofenac, or some kind of strong med. Is it terrible that I don't want to take prednisone, not just for the unhealthy side-effects, but the aesthetic ones too? Is that ridiculously shallow of me? I've never taken pred, but it is one of the safer drugs to take in pregnancy, and I'm pretty sure it would give me relief. Thoughts??

Whoa

2010-04-22T10:23:00.000-04:00

I just realized that I have had RA for about 9 1/2 years. That's almost a third of my life. I know there are folks that have had it for much, much longer. But, cripes, that's a long time to be in pain. It's long enough for me to not remember very well how it feels to have a body that isn't RA-ridden. I'm not feeling down in the dumps about it, or anything. It was just a shock to realize just how much of my life I've had it. Maybe that's a good thing? The not remembering? I mean, this is really and truly my life now. I can't imagine waking up without some form of pain, or things being easy. Even if they were to find a cure tomorrow, I would still have lasting pain and struggles because I have too much damage in too many joints (and too many future surgeries to even think about). I guess it makes me feel kind of positive to recognize the RA, know that it will sometimes kick my butt, but to also know that I can deal with it. Whatever it brings.

Long Weekend Loveliness

2010-04-20T15:25:00.000-04:00

I don't know who St. George is, but I'm thanking that old dude for having a day and giving me a long weekend :) We had some pretty decent weather, did a little work outside, had fun and spent some money! I even went for a hike. A proper, in the woods, up a muddy, snowy, slushy hill hike! It felt wonderful to be that far out of town again.

One of the things we did was work on the raised gardens, building a mini-greenhouse for the tomatoes and such. Okay, okay, I didn't really work on this (though I did hold some wood while Dom cut it!), mostly I just picked up all of Fran's garbage, chewed up toys, etc. (she's a messy dog!). Here she is in all her cuteness:

Yup, we do still have some snow! Actually, it's impressive that this is all we have for this time of the year. It went quick. With our early arrival of spring, I cut some pussy willows (anyone else find this name totally ridiculous? Maybe it's just common around here) for decorating:

But, best of all is that after over a year of moaning and complaining (from my side only), we got a new couch and loveseat!!! I absolutely hated the ugly thing that came with our house, but always felt like we couldn't justify buying something new. After doing our taxes, and me getting a raise (yay me!), we decided to splurge! Okay, so we may not actually have that money in our hands yet, but it is coming (I hope!). Here is a pic of the new furniture, and a pic of Fran and I enjoying it:

I just realized how long it's been since I put up some pics! Must be cause I never take 'em. Anyway, all in all, a great weekend. Even though we're now broke :)

Passin' on the Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award

2010-04-15T09:52:00.000-04:00

Holy Crap! I was simply browsin' around last night, reading some blogs, when I went on over to Laurie's blog where she had been nominated for the Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award, had to spill ten things we don't know about her, then nominate 5 other bloggers for the award. Guess what??? Yup, she nominated me! AND, called me funny! I completely freaked at my computer screen (simultaneously blushing and flapping my hands), causing my sweetie to, yet again, wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Thank you, Laurie! This is beyond cool (See how easy it is to excite me?).

So, I've since calmed down a little, and begun the thought process of some things y'all might not know about me....

1. My nickname growing up was (and still is for some folks) Pony. If you called me that, I would totally answer you.

2. I'm part Inuit, part nearly everything else possible.

3. I've had literally hundreds of dreams of whales and sharks. Seriously. The shark dreams are always scary, and the whale ones are sorta scary, in the sense that they are so big and powerful. Oh yes, and I am nearly always in the water with them. If not, I somehow end up in the water with them (falling, breaking docks, etc.). Anyone know what this means?

4. I was in a comedy/farce/sillyness video for my friend's band, Ticklish Brother. It's basically making fun of how ridiculous obsession is. I'm gonna be brave and give you the YouTube link: Close To You. My pup, Fran, makes an appearance as well!

5. I was going to go to school to be a midwife. I love everything about pregnancy and birth. I'd still like to do this, but don't know about doing a job like that (physically taxing, crazy hours) with RA.

6. In relation to number 5, I've been at four different births :) Beautiful.

7. I lived in Ireland for 6 months doing a youth work program. Whew, a lot of beer was consumed on that adventure! Ireland is simply gorgeous, and the people incredibly welcoming. It's a bit touristy in spots (Dublin, I'm looking at you), but there are some places where you get to experience it, on the west coast especially. Go there!

8. Onions drive me bananas most of the time, unless they are cooked really, really well. However, one of the best things I've eaten (and helped make) is our onion soup. Go figure. Must be all the butter that's in it.

9. I met my sweetie at the Women's Centre where I work. I think of this as very cute and ironic :) We don's see many men around these parts.

10. I've been out of the country four times, and have been in less than half of my own country!! I'm planning on changing that within the next year or so with a cross-country trip :)

So, onto the real fun part: nominating some other amazing women out there. Reading their blogs is definitely a highlight of my day. Most have RA, but all inspire me. In no particular order, begin the fabulousity:

1. Judy over at RA is Wild. She also blogs about living a raw lifestyle over at RawSierra, and hikes and backpacks with RA like it's nobody's business! This woman is die-hard, and a serious inspiration to me.

2. Jenn at Project Jennifer. She has recently had both hips replaced, and is still living and loving her life despite the aches and pains that come with it. She also gets to work with folks with RA, which is freaking awesome!

3. My buddy and pal, Nadine at Unloading and Meandering. I've known her since I was 13, and love her to death. She's a passionate gardener, an amazing writer, and has a memory of an elephant! Loves :) Bet your surprised that I actually did this, huh, Nadine?? I'm not exactly wonderful at doing this type of thing (memes, lists, passing things on, etc.).

4. Confessions of an Ra Superbitch. That woman is honest about life with RA, and it is beyond refreshing.

5. RA (maybe) Mamma cause she is sharing my journey of preparing for, and getting pregnant, with RA. It's a whirlwind journey for sure. We need all the support we can get!

So, there it is! I gotta admit, this has been pretty fun (and challenging). Hope everyone is having a fabulous day!

Workout Schedule? Moi??

2010-04-12T14:59:00.000-04:00

So, I'm on an exercise kick, but am trying to be balanced and kind to my body. When I first was able to start walking again, I started gradually increasing it to every day, and majorly decreasing my other workouts (atationary bike, leg lifts with weights, crunches). However, I'm finding that going for walks every day is still pretty taxing on my ankle and I tend to not want to do anything else/be out of commission. Also, though it hurts my ankle, it's not much of a challenge physically, if ya know what I mean. It ain't gonna get rid of many of my jiggles.

So, here's my new plan. I love walking. I love moving in the fresh air, watching the doggie run around in freedom, being one with nature. I'll go for a good walk one-day, then do my at-home work-out the next, and so on. I hope I'm not setting myself up for failure by planning some form of exercise every day? I hope that I'm kind enough to myself that if I am flaring, it's okay to just chill out at home for one day and not quit totally. I hope.

Sweet and Heart-Breaking

2010-04-08T12:28:00.000-04:00

I was over at Jenn's blog : http://project-jennifer.blogspot.com/ and found this gem of a song. It's Rob Thomas singing the song "Her Diamonds" he wrote for his wife who has suffered with an autoimmune disease for quite a long time, check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJHa6Vh1bE8&feature=player_embedded

I know I have my moments of feeling sad for myself, and my situation. But, most of the time, I feel bad for those around me who love me, and can do little to nothing to stop what I am going through. They can love us, support us, listen to us, care for us, bring us what we need, but they can't stop the disease. That's what breaks my heart, seeing my loved ones hurt and helpless because of what my body is going through.

Stupid RA.

Start a Revolution

2010-04-06T18:28:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness, I am totally obsessed with Jamie Oliver's new shoe "Food Revolution". We just watched all three episodes on YouTube, and I can't wait for the next one. For those that don't know, Jamie Oliver is a pretty famous chef and has gone to the unhealthiest town in America to try and make some changes. It's no surprise that someone as in love with food as I am is really into this show. There are definitely flaws. He handled some things poorly, and there is obviously the whole reality show sensationalism aspect. Here's a preview:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-mYAoWu-O8

It just blows my mind what is considered "good food" to feed our kids. And, the thing is, this is coming from way up above. This isn't the schools or the school cooks, it's the system that isn't valuing children's health. In my opinion, that's completely unacceptable. A french fry should not count as a vegetable. Don't get me wrong, I eat some not-so-amazing things sometimes, including french fries. But, that's sometimes. For the most part, I eat very well, very balanced. Anyway, I guess it's a goal of mine to have my future children know what vegetables at least look like :)

Workin' It

2010-03-31T09:55:00.000-04:00

I know I do this every once in a while, that post where I'm all, "Oh my gosh! I totally just did something physical that I didn't think I could do!!". Sorry, this is one of those posts again. I can't help it, I'm positive sometimes :)

I got home yesterday, feeling the need to do some kind of physical activity (it had been a while). So, I broke out the running shoes and got on the elliptical (I had tried it once since I got it back, but only for a few minutes). I think I did about 15 minutes, broken with 30 second/one minute breaks to stretch and relax my ankle. I knew after 15 minutes that my time on it was done, but I wasn't done. So, then I hopped on my bike and did another 15 minutes. I was actually sweaty and had an increased heart rate! This is major for me. Both physically and mentally. I know that the one workout session didn't make a huge change in my body, but I do feel stronger just having accomplished that.

Oh, and my jealousy of my dog is going away as I am taking the afternoon off with my mom and doing some ice-fishing of my own! AND, it is a totally beautiful day outside :) Bliss.

Monday, Monday

2010-03-29T13:10:00.000-04:00

Blah, blah and flare.

So, after only having a one-day weekend (working on sunday) I'm back at work for a thankfully short week. Having just the one day off has drained me beyond belief! I cannot wait for that glorious four-day weekend to sleep and just plain relax. And, maybe eat. I like to do that sometimes, too. And walk my dog, poor girl has only played frisbee in the backyard lately. Though she did get to go ice-fishing yesterday. Without me. While I had to work on a sunday. Is it ridiculous to be jealous of my dog?

Anyway, I'm noticing that my RA seems to flare a few days before my next shot of humira is due. It's like my body has run out too quick, or something. I wonder if this is just a coincidence, or if it is actually the case? I had always assumed the reason I took the meds every two weeks was because it stayed in my system that long. I suppose it is like any other med, sometimes they just don't cut it.

What I wouldn't give.....

2010-03-23T12:59:00.000-04:00

....for a rheumatologist. I live in no-rheumy land, and it kinda sucks. One comes up occasionally, but my last appointment (a good year and a half ago) was incredibly brief and he basically slapped me on the hand for not taking enough meds. I don't know about anyone else, but this method does NOT work for me. I usually make do, I have a pretty up-to-date gp and I'm pretty savvy with getting myself ed-u-ma-cated. But, sometimes you just want to talk to someone whose main focus is RA. I have so many questions and concerns about getting/being pregnant with this disease. I think I just need a lot of comforting right now.

Anyone else have issues with seeing a rheumatologist?

Heaven in a jar

2010-03-19T16:38:00.000-04:00

So, I've been noticing all over the foodie blogosphere a little thing called coconut butter. It's the meat of the coconut, blended up. So many bloggers out there are using this and can't stop talking about it. They're putting this nectar on absolutely everything. Now, I love me some coconut in all of it's forms and this looks like a goodie. And, I SERIOUSLY wanted to try this stuff. But, where to get it??? I live in Labrador for pete's sake!

Aha! This is where Heather comes in, of this blog: http://heathereatsalmondbutter.com/. I've been enjoying her site, when lo and behold! She decides to MAKE her own coconut butter!!! Here is the link to her adventure: http://heathereatsalmondbutter.com/2010/03/09/homemade-coconut-butter/. Thank you HEAB!

So, I went to the grocery store today, picked me up some unsweetend flakes and went to town. And, you have to go to town, and by that I mean blend the crap out of it. I threw that stuff into my magic bullet and blended my butt off. It was so worth it. Oh my heavens, was it ever. Folks, if you like coconut you have to try this stuff! Anyone out there try coconut butter?

Home

2010-03-13T19:49:00.000-05:00

Well folks, I am on a much needed vacation. It's only for six days, but still. I'm back in my hometown, fly-in only, where the pace of life is much slower. I'm resting a ton, spending time with my sweetie, reading constantly, eating like a pig, visiting relatives, playing boardgames and enjoying the woodstove :) On the days leading up to this trip I was in a pretty bad flare, and since I've been here I've felt so good. I know that there are some other factors playing into this, but this really goes to show how much stress can negatively impact my health. I've gone on a couple of short walks, and my wrists and thumb are functioning well. I feel rested and somewhat in control of my body.

Why must vacation end??

Back in the Labrador Groove

2010-03-08T08:08:00.000-05:00

Well, this has certainly been a long two weeks! I've just returned from my second trip to the Island in two weeks and am totally bushed. My sweetie is finally (fingers-crossed) getting home today after a month long absence. I cannot tell you what a happy woman I am :)

I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of my blog, as well as catching up with all of you! I'm feeling a little withdrawal from my usual blog lovin'. So, look out everyone! I will be doing some major reading and commenting on all of your blogs! Can't wait to see what's going on with everyone!

On another note, it's International Women's Day!! Remember, "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people" * . Imagine that.

*Charlis Kramarae and Paula Treichler

Travel Bug

2010-03-01T19:52:00.000-05:00

So, I've barely gotten home from a quick trip to the Island when I am off again in two days. This is making me most happy, for a variety of reasons:

1. I get to see some really wonderful folks (one of which I have been friends with for about 18 years!) who happen to have a really wonderful baby. Who likes to wipe her grubby hands on me :) She also likes to get up at about 5 in the morning, but I am not holding that against her :) She's way too cute for that.

2. Kill some major time while the Dom is away on his nearly month long school/olympic adventure. I'm so proud of him, and happy he got to check out a hockey game, but jeez! This is a loooonnnngggg trip.

3. Food. In the form of lovely vegetarian Pad Thai, homecooked chicken heaven, and soon to be sushi in ma tummy. And, I usually get an awesome breakfast made while I'm there, cause Dave is great like that.

4. Really awesome decaf, dark roast, fair-trade, organic coffee. It's the best decaf I've had. It's so good we're questioning just how "decaf" it is.

5. Wedding magazine browsing. Jen is getting married this summer, and it is indeed fun to laugh at those ridiculous dresses! I know I want to try one on at some point in my life, but I can't imagine actually wearing some of those creations. I guess I just like to be comfortable. Strange.

Anyway, I'm pumped about this trip. I'm leaving a bit earlier than my meetings, just to get some good visiting/eating/shopping for various food items unavailable in Labrador.

Mission Accomplished

2010-02-28T19:49:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I was feeling pretty cruddy yesterday and today, and I even started writing a post about how "blah" I was feeling. Then I went for a walk this afternoon, which was my second walk since friday. Wait just a darn gosh minute there! Why am I feeling so down when I have started walking again?!?!? This has been one of my goals for quite a while now. There had been days when I can barely get around my house, or from my house to my car. But, my meds have kicked in and a while back I walked home from work (which is indeed close, but an accomplishment none-the-less).

And then on friday the weather was amazing, I had energy and little pain in my ankle. So, I decided to take the mutt for a walk. And I did, and it was glorious. Let me tell you folks, I even cried on this walk. Then, I did it again today. I feel awesome, not perfect, but pretty darn awesome.

Walking is my calm. It gets me where I need to go. It gets me outdoors, in the wilderness, close to the earth. Sometimes it stresses me out, when I see a big lynx up ahead, or in situations where my dog feels the need to run after a moose, or get herself caught in an animal trap (this has happened twice. A serious downer on walks in the woods. And, I don't mean a park, I mean the forest). Don't worry, Fran is a real trooper and loves a good bunny to run after.

I need it, I need to be able to walk, it keeps me balanced. I don't feel cruddy, I feel good. I'm walkin' again!

1 step forward, 700 steps back

2010-02-21T10:46:00.000-05:00

So, I am trying to make preventative plans to manage my disease for when I actually get pregnant and everything seems to come back and bite me in the butt! I've always heard that turmeric is great for inflammation, and recently read about turmeric tea here : http://meghantelpnerblog.com/.

Then, I thought, "I drink a green smoothie nearly everyday. Why don't I just add it to my smoothie?" And, I did, that very morning. I also started making plans to really up my drinking of juniper tea (it grows wild here) during my future pregnancy. This stuff is the shiz-nit. I've heard that they (you know, "they" being the medical establishment) are actually studying it as a treatment in cancer patients.

So, I got to the office (what? Am I supposed to be working at the office?) and started googling these things, just checking them out, reading all about their lovely benefits, when I get down to the contraindications: to be avoided while pregnant. What?!?!? But, what about my plan? I know that the majority of women go into remission while pregnant, but that doesn't usually happen until the second trimester or so. What about the first few months of no meds?

So, my question is: are there any natural anti-inflammatories out there that can be safely used while pregnant?

Surgery story, mucus and all

2010-02-19T08:40:00.006-05:00

I've been reading all about surgery over here : http://project-jennifer.blogspot.com/, she is another young woman who has had jra and recently received two new hips! She seems to be doing really well (you know, aside from recovering from major surgery. That takes the best out of any of us). Her writing has been bringing up memories of my own replacement surgery. As happy as I am now with my bionic elbow, I'm recalling just how crappy a time that actually was in my life.

I'd had ra for about 4/5 years when I was at a long overdue appointment with my rheumatologist and he told me that I would need a total elbow replacement. I had been back living in Labrador for over a year, working and living my life.

It was such a shock! And, I am not entirely sure why. I had spent years suffering in pain, long periods of time struggling to even touch my face, wash my hair, dress myself, sleep like a normal person. It's not that I had never considered surgery a part of my future, I just hadn't considered it so soon! I was only 25. So, a surgery was scheduled (really quickly, I might add. I guess they considered me some kind of emergency case? Most people wait up to two years or more, I waited about 5 months from referral to a surgeon to the consultation appointment to the actual surgery). I would have to go to another province, and my mom was coming with me to help me perform basic daily tasks.

The night before surgery, I started freaking out just a little, oddly enough not about the actual surgery, but of general anaesthesia! I had heard so many terrible stories of hallucinations, it wasn't the thought of pain that scared me, it was the thought of not having control over my mind. An amazing nurse let me cry, told me her survival story and calmed me down immensely. I wish I could remember her name (I'll have to ask my mom), but I am thankful for her. And the nurse that made me laugh about my toes. Laughter really is the best medicine.

So, the surgery went well, and the anaesthesia was actually like having the best sleep of my life. My recovery was pretty good (other than screwing up my meds and experiencing an unbelievably painful afternoon until the dosage was corrected). However, when I went in to have my bandage removed and my incision looked at, blood came flowing out. This is the point where I had to keep it together as my mother was the one about to panic. I'm telling her that it's fine, there's no pain or anything. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "what the hell?!?!?" So the nurse promptly bandaged me up, good and tight. Now this is where I believe everything went downhill.

My mom and I return to Labrador. En route I set off the alarm at an airport due to the replacement. This, I think, is both cool and disturbing. I have appointments for physio, getting my staples removed, and continued bandage changes. Life seems to be going good. Until I notice some weird stuff leaking out of my arm. A nurse has a look at it, tells me it looks, "a little green" and promptly sends me to emerg. Things progressively get worse from there. I am started on oral and IV antibiotics immediately due to an infected hematoma (remember where I was bleeding and they bandaged me up?), experience vein collapse, and have the most disgusting anything come out of a human body come out of my arm. Now, the number one concern with joint replacements is infection. If the infection gets into the new joint, they have to remove it and put in another one, which is much more difficult than a first replacement. You can see where I start to get worried, right?

But, I perservered. And, the infection didn't go into my joint, it continued draining out in ways that would remind anyone of a horror movie (lets just say the word "mucus" doesn't quite cut it). My infection cleared up and I resumed my physio. I had made it through this nearly month long ordeal. And, I had a shiny new elbow to show for it. No more pain or swelling in this joint, baby!

I can't believe that was nearly 6 years ago. I often don't think about it, but today, all of those fears, and triumphs, are right there. Remembering when I first got my appetite back (with a meal of salmon, naturally), the lovely couple who kept my mom company in the hostel, nurses whose names I cannot remember but who I won't ever forget, and my mom who took care of me. Thanks, mom :)

Hmmm, maybe another day I'll tell the story of my second surgery, in which I was awake, and the surgeon realized that he needed to saw off more bone. With an electric saw. While I was awake. Party time, people!

Greedy

2010-02-16T14:04:00.006-05:00

Two posts in one day! I'm getting way ahead of myself....

Anyway, I already have one of these:

Now I would like one of these:

And, one of these:

That's not too much to ask, is it?

2010-02-16T12:01:00.004-05:00

I'm having those fears again. Those fears that totally freak me out in the middle of the night when I am all alone. The fear of not being able to take care of a helpless baby due to my stupid RA.

I had a bit of a flare a few days ago, mostly in my hands. Hands that would need to carry and care for a baby. And I can't help but wonder what I will do on the days like that when we do have a baby? There is going to be times when I am all alone with her, and she will need me to pick her up, dress her, feed her.

Sometimes this is really overwhelming. Exciting and eager and happy, but overwhelming. I know that those days are fewer than the good ones, but what do I do on those bad days?

Awwww

2010-02-14T15:23:00.003-05:00

Now, I am not a big Valentine's Day person, it's pretty commercialized and cheesy. Also partly because I was generally single on this day, and if not, certain love-birds were not in the same town (more exact: as far away from each other as you can get in the second biggest country in the world).

However, I can get behind love. So, I just want to send out some lovin' to my sweetie, who is in mid-air right now, getting ever farther from me. We'll just celebrate our love like we normally do: all of the time, regardless of where we are. Loves :)

Pretty please?

2010-02-11T10:10:00.002-05:00

OK, so as much as I love snow and winter, can I ask that it not snow too much during the time I am all alone? Please? I'm only asking this cause I find it particularly stressful constantly asking people to shovel my driveway for me. And I'm starting to get a little worried as it has not stopped snowing heavily since tuesday.

Oh god, I just looked at the weather forecast. I'm doomed. 54 to 78 cm between friday and wednesday. Great.

Negative Nelly

2010-02-09T08:24:00.004-05:00

Sigh. It's only 9:30 in the morning and I am already hating this day. I was so slow and sore this morning, even my rockin' new haircut couldn't keep me going. A ton of snow fell, so the driveway had to be done, I'm guessing the ton of snow caused a ton of hurt in my ankle, slowing me down even more. My pants are totally soaked from the snow. And, I somehow managed to spill a mega amount of coffee all down my leg without even noticing! I was standing outside on the front step leaving for work when this happened, so there was no way in h-e-double hockey-sticks I was going back in, taking off ma boots, changing my pants (into what??? I have no clean clothes!!!), and putting ma boots back on again. Not happening. Fortunately I work at a place where, barring big meetings, I can wear whatever the crap I want to work. Even then, I would totally wear a nice pair of jeans to a big meeting. Just ones that don't have coffee on them.

Now I am off to get my legs checked out for paralysis or nerve damage, due to not feeling hot coffee running down my leg. Sheesh.

My dirty little secret

2010-02-05T11:09:00.003-05:00

I have to fess up. I do it, too. Pretty well every day. It gets me really excited and happy, and I just can't stop looking. That's right, I'm addicted to food porn. According to Urban Dictionary food porn is: close-up images of juicy, delicious food in advertisements. Oh yeah, baby.

I love eating and I love looking at pictures of food. How am I not 400 pounds? Do I have an eating disorder? Or perhaps I am just appreciative?

Anyway, this is what I've been doing with most of my computer time lately. It's kind of ridiculous, cause I don't even like to cook! Fortunately I live with a good cook and get some of my own "live" food porn at home :) Looking at all those lovely pictures with the different types of veggies and what-not really makes me wish sometimes I lived elsewhere and had access to different types of food. Ah well, such is life.

The post that contains way tmi about my cycle

2010-02-01T12:18:00.010-05:00

*Warning! TMI alert!! Apologies in advance to Mike, who may be the only guy who reads this blog. Well, Dom may occasionally read it, but trust me, he gets waaaayyyyy more details :)

Hey, remember that movie with Katherine Heigl? The funny one in which she got knocked-up? What was it called? Oh yeah, "Knocked Up". Well, let's just say that the title does not apply to me.

That's right, I'm not pregnant :( Boo!

I'm surprisingly alright (having some disappointed moments, but still), mostly due to thinking like this:

1. The pill hasn't totally screwed me up, cycle wise. I was scared that I would be one of those women who didn't get her period for like, six months or something after stopping the pill. Not the case. Score for regularity!

2. I thought trying for a baby would be out in February, what with future daddy being away for a month and all. BUT, with a slightly shorter cycle than expected, we may not miss out. Pending super-strong swimmers, of course.

3. Humira is actually working. I cannot remember the last time I wore my ankle brace. Life is not perfect, but I hobble way less these days. Not being pregnant gives me a chance to keep taking humira for a while longer, get even better, and have a healthier pregnancy. Sweet.

4. An additional month to get mtx out of my system. Just in case there are some lingering bits clinging on to my liver, or kidneys, or fat cells. Maybe I can work on those fat cells a little, while I am at it.

5. Not being huge as a house for one of bestest's weddings in Newfoundland :) At which I am standing. If I got pregnant right away now, I'd be 6 1/2 months at the wedding, which sounds a bit more reasonable for travelling and fitting into a dress.

Ummmm, that's about it. That is all the positivity I can muster right now. Which is pretty damn good, if you ask me.

Ummm....

2010-01-26T20:32:00.006-05:00

Why do I suck at blogging so much lately? Hmm, there must be something new that I can write about.....Maybe I'll write a list of new/interesting things in my life:

1. I did a suicide intervention training, then 4 days later had a conversation with someone was thinking of suicide! Let me tell you, it went nothing like the class and the 90's demonstrative videos in it. Nothing. No worries, the person is perfectly safe and is doing fine. But, my gawd, the irony.

2. Went to a friend's second wedding! Actually, it was more like a second reception for all the folks stuck in Labrador who couldn't make it to the actual event. We got to do lots of socializing, eat good food, watch a wicked slide show and I even got to feel a baby rolling around! Thanks Jen!

3. I'm learning that I am really quite boring. Lame.

4. Oh! But my French class is progressing! For example: Nous somme le 27 janvier. That's right, it's the 27th of January!

That is all for now, please refer to number 3 for reasons why.

Huh?

2010-01-19T10:16:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry. Did I mention practicing patience? You must have me confused with the wrong woman. There is no patience available here. Only neurotic. If you need neurotic, I've got you covered.

2010-01-13T15:29:00.002-05:00

Today is a beautiful day. Today I walked home from work.

This is something I have not done in a long, long time. In fact, I have not done it from my new workplace, that we moved to in November. What would take just over ten minutes, took me at least 20. But, I'll take it. AND, it was more awkward than it was painful (though, I must say I was happy to get home!). Could it be that the humira has kicked it? Methinks :) I felt a real sense of independence again today. I've been so used to my legs getting me where I need to go, the loss had been hard. But, they got me where I needed to go today.

A beautiful day, indeed :)

Practicing Patience

2010-01-11T12:15:00.004-05:00

I don't think I ever would have qualified as a "patient" person. And, that is no more truer than now. When you are trying NOT to get pregnant, you think you ovulate waaaayyyy too often. When you ARE trying to get pregnant, all you can think is, "once a month???? I have to wait a whole month?!?!?!? ARGH!!!!!!"

In better news (and to distract myself), my RA has taken an upswing again today. I must say, I feel alright :) I did have a pretty big flare last week, which I am blaming on the bipolar weather we have been experiencing in Labrador. It really seems as though stopping the mtx has not had too big of an effect on my system, and also that maybe the humira is starting to kick in. I still don't know if I am up for a snowshoe....but I have hope :)

Oh! And, I am starting a conversational beginners French class tonight! I'm finally doing something it!

Okay, I'm glad that I just reminded myself that there is plenty going on in my life, other than trying to have a kid :)

Jumping on the bandwagon

2010-01-07T08:09:00.012-05:00

So, as usual I have been trolling through some of my favourite blogs and am noticing a theme. Many folks are doing recaps of their past year. Now, this gave me a realization this morning, as I sit here reading and drinking my (mostly) decaf coffee: perhaps this is an exercise I should also engage in. With my focus (read: obsession) with having a baby, and all of the positive things that will come from that, I forget the amazing things that have happened this past year. Here are some of my highlights:

1. We bought a house!!! I just realized that we moved in a year ago yesterday!!! I love this house dearly, but with my new ankle issues, I'm struggling a little with it being a split-level. But, that was part of the appeal for me, several sections, but each not too far away. Loves ma house.

2. My in-laws came up to Labrador for the first time! We had a great visit, did some hiking, built a deck, ate a lot of bbq, introduced our families, generally an awesome time :)

3. Spent lots of time with great friends. Always essential. Critical, even.

4. I got appointed on the Provincial Advisory Council on the Status of Women. Aside from just being awesome in general, this appointment gives me the opportunity to see my bestest in St. John's. Who has a mini-bestest that I like to poke :)

5. Road-trip!!! In two weeks we covered about 5000 km, 5 provinces, 5 ferries, saw lots of wildlife, ate obscene amounts of seafood, got a flat in the middle of nowhere and I slept in a tent with my cutie :)

6. I stopped mtx!!!! Gimme a high-five! No, don't do that, it'll hurt my wrists. Let's do it mentally. This one makes me supremely happy for a couple of reasons: baby-makin' and no more grossness.

7. Family for Christmas!! My in-laws came again, this time with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend (from Mexico!). It was touch and go whether we would actually get snow for them to play in, but Mother Nature pulled through :) Ski-dooing, hikes, snowshoeing, sliding, it was an exciting time to be at our place :) Nothing better than a full house for Christmas (this is especially awesome when you own a split-level).

8. We decided to have a baby :) AND, being told by an ob/gyn that I am healthy enough to have a baby, despite my RA. That was my all-time fear. That appointment was pretty magical for me :)

I know that waaaayyyy more things have happened over the past year, and I am probably forgetting some pretty important ones. However, this is what is in my head right now. I know I am always wishing time away, and that is not cool. It's good to just live in the present, after all, it is where you are right now. Sometimes, though, it is good to do some reflection, to see where you came from.

Obsessed....

2010-01-05T10:17:00.004-05:00

.....with fertility blogs. Or rather, infertility blogs. Totally, completely obsessed. I think I am just preparing myself for the worse. It's been inspirational reading about all of those women who have been trying for sooo long and finally get pregnant, and those that are still struggling with infertility. It is truly amazing how strong women can be. I'm thanking all of those women for being so brave and for sharing their stories. I believe in the power of support and knowing you are not alone.

Oooh, and though this may be tmi for some, I got my period today! That means my cycle is getting pretty much on track after stopping bc. So, I've been bbt-ing it and even have a opk. Not wasting any time over here. And I may also be having fun with acronyms :)

One of my favourite blogs, thus far:
www.999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com

Quiet house

2010-01-02T14:00:00.003-05:00

After a wonderful, fun and food-filled week and a half with family, we are all alone again :( It's amazing how quickly time goes. One minute it's Christmas Eve and folks are just arriving, the next they are leaving, and work is looming. I don't want the season to end. It was pretty special sharing Christmas in Labrador with family from the south :) Fortunately we got totally dumped on by snow, and it dipped down to some frigid temperatures (-28 C with the windchill). Why come to Labrador if you can't experience some true cold?? Just to be noted, it definitely gets colder :) I got to eat some good Mexican food, made by a Mexican, some good Quebecois food made by a Quebecois, and lots of good Labrador food made by Labradorians (Including me! I actually cooked!!). Oh, and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

Now, I am off to search for some good basal body temp charts on-line that suit me. Yup, that's right! The time is upon us as I am officially taking my last bc pill tonight :D :D :D I'm feeling apprehensive and ecstatic at the same time. I currently have three friends pregnant (three!). In my usual over-thinking way, my first thought is, "uh-oh. There is no way that we'd all be pregnant at the same time. Things just don't work that way. I'm not that lucky." Another part of me is all, "Of course I'm going to get pregnant asap! We'll all be pregnant together and it will be wonderful!" Though I don't normally make resolutions, I am determined to remain positive throughout it all, even if it takes a while. Plus, I have no choice. For the first couple of months Dom is going to be doing quite a bit of travelling, so good luck to us at actually being in the same place when I am ovulating. Fingers-crossed :)

Family

2009-12-27T10:51:00.000-05:00

2009-12-23T08:41:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a little petty and self-absorbed today. One of those, "what is the point of living life like THIS???" days. Now don't worry, I'm alright, just a little blah (and in A LOT pain!).

I have had this window open all morning, slowly working on this post. My goal for this blog (and generally, my life) is to stay as positive as possible. However, everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, and for me that was this morning. I am sure all women who are planning to have children worry that they will not be good mothers, but with RA added into the mix, things are compounded. How can I possibly take care of a baby when I feel like I did this morning??? I suppose it is about prioritizing. Realizing that not having laundry/dishes/vacuuming done is okay, that letting babies stay in their pyjamas all day is not a big deal, that I won't have to leave the house every single day. And most importantly, that I have a partner who is exactly that: a partner. I guess the biggest thing I have to remind myself is that I am not alone in this.

But, basically:

I love this shirt! You can find them (and soooo many others) online at: www.cafepress.ca/bydls

What in the heck?!?!?!?

2009-12-21T08:25:00.003-05:00

Okay. I live in Labrador. That would be in northeastern Canada. It's near the end of December. Connecting all of the aforementioned dots, one would come to the conclusion that there should be snow, right? Well, to be honest, we have snow. What little bit is left is covered in an icy wet sheen from the ridiculous amount of rain and above zero temperatures we've been having.

This sucks at any given Christmas. I'm a girl who likes her snow. I want to go ski-dooing, ice-fishing and snowshoeing (if my ankle cooperates), and just generally enjoying the prettiness that is big, fluffy flakes falling from the sky. What particularly sucks is that we have family coming in for the holidays. Family who should be able to enjoy all that Labrador has to offer in the winter department. Family who should be able to at least go outside without falling and breaking something. I seriously had to be helped to and from the car, it is that treacherous.

Not to mention the fact wild weather changes (cold to snow to rain to warm to wind) wreaks total havoc on my body. MAJOR flare this weekend. Yuck.

In an effort to stay positive I am going to wish for a major dump of snow, all the while still enabling the Labrador highway to be drive able. Is that even possible?

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

2009-12-10T13:26:00.004-05:00

Wheeeee!!! Okay, it is no surprise to anyone who knows me, but I LOVE christmas!! I love the snow, the food, the family time, the time off from work, the music and the movies. My sister and I have already done our long-standing tradition of watching "The Santa Clause". She slept through the whole thing, as usual. What's unusual is that I stayed awake :). Domino didn't have to watch it by himself this year.

So much love and giddiness. We kick-started things last weekend by decorating the house. I actually realized how many decorations we have, and I guess didn't previously put out due to living in a one bedroom, basement apartment. Now that we are having our first christmas in our ridiculously big house, there's plenty of space for every knick-knack.

This weekend we are going out on ski-doo to cut our tree down. This is not a new tradition, but exciting none-the-less. We'll possibly throw the dog in the komatik, though last year she was not too impressed about sharing space with a tree. Despite the fact that she is pretty big, she demands to be lifted in and out. Except when a tree is involved, then she is as agile and high-jumper-esque as they come. We'll see.

Also, all of my in-laws may be coming in boxing day! Driving for at least two days!! Over a snow-covered highway!!! After just returning from Mexico!!!! Should be fun times :D And involving some serious acclimatizing :) I sincerely hope they make it, the parents have only been once (in may), and the brother and his girlfriend has never been. In my opinion winter is one of the best times to come to Labrador. Mind you, I like snow. Mind you, again, I don't shovel it.

Despite being a self-described "non-cook" I'm itching to do some kind of baking. Which is not helping my not-wanting-to-gain-any-more-fat plan. Hmmm, any easy ideas for those of us that are kitchen-challenged?

Yay!

2009-12-05T13:50:00.003-05:00

So, my last dose of methotrexate is done. Over. Finis. You can call me one happy girl, indeed :) AND, it turns out that I am not the disease-ridden monster incapable of bearing and caring for children. Nope, as it tuns out, my first appointment with our ob/gyn was amazing and he was very confident in my health and impressed with our plan and research. Basically, he said, "go have a baby!"

Smiles :)

Blessings

2009-11-20T07:39:00.006-05:00

As much as I hate this disease, as much as I want to kick it to the curb, as much as it has destroyed and will keep destroying my body, and testing my sanity, it could be much worse.

On top of the unbearable pain, the stiffness, the change in quality of life, the planning months in advance for something so natural, the fear of what my future holds, the worry about what I am getting my partner into, there is one thing that has never been a worry:

I could also be in financial ruin like so many others with my disease. Or unable to access medications to manage my ra.

Some medications can cost up to (and maybe even beyond) $25,000 a year. Seriously.

And, I have it all covered. All of it. My medications, travel to see specialists (where I live, I have to fly at least 1 1/2 hours to get to a rheumatologist/orthopedic surgeon), everything.

I am a member of an Aboriginal group that has self-governance and provides amazing non-insured health benefits. No co-pay, no claims, if my doctor is recommending it, it is most often covered entirely. If the medication is deemed okay by Health Canada, then it is a go. My mother has traveled with me for up to a week to help me post-surgery. Plane tickets, accommodations, food, both of us covered.

I had always planned to come back to Labrador after school (which was also fully covered: travel, tuition, books, living expenses. Seriously.) and give back to the communities. And I have. This is my home, and it has given so much to me.

I may have a crazy, crappy disease, but I am so, so lucky. And, I am so, so thankful.

Blargh!! And Rowr!!!

2009-11-19T09:39:00.006-05:00

Ew, ew, ew, methotrexate sucks!! I can't wait to be done with this vile medicine (for you four readers who don't know, it's a low-dose chemo)! AND, I just realized that I am only weeks away from stopping it! Gimme a woot!

I took it last night, and already feel a mouth sore cropping up. Yuck. And ow.

So, soon, no more nausea, mouth sores, med induced fatigue (I'm guessing fatigue is a part of my life, not just from meds), and having to drink gallons of water to flush it through my system. I do like water, but it's overwhelming to drink so much when you feel icky.

For my dose of positivity to get me out of this methotrexate fog, I have another physio appointment this afternoon :) I think it will basically just be me telling her that I love my ankle brace. Did I mention that I love my ankle brace? Cause I do. Here are some pictures that make me happy:

We grew sunflowers in our backyard! Really!:

Cute boy with yummy fish. Life does not get better:

She never looks straight at the camera! It's a little dark, but isn't she cute?:

Walking? What a strange concept :)

2009-11-16T12:36:00.003-05:00

Soooo, I finally got my long-awaited appointment with the physiotherapist last week. My goal was to get an ankle brace to provide some much needed stability to my left ankle. And that is exactly what I got in the form of this:

www.aircast.com/index.asp/fuseaction/products.detail/cat/1/id/6

Awesome!

Hopefully I will be getting my custom-made orthotics this week as well, and I'm really hoping that with the two of them combined (plus meds kicking in, please?) I'll be able to go for walks!! Imagine that! Or, even just walking down the road to work!

It's too much. I can't handle it.

Mmmmm :)

2009-11-15T13:12:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to write a post about how much I love cheese.

Soooo goooood. And I'm not talking about neon orange cheddar here. No, no, no, I'm talking about triple creme brie, creamy blue, goat cheese covered in ash, other cheese with ash in the middle (what's up with ash? WHO CARES - soooo goooood), and curds. Sweet, delicious, save my life curds. Curds on their own, in poutine form, straight to my mouth, squeaky curds. If curds don't squeak, they ain't good curds.

Cheese is good when it's on it's own, in a salad, on a cracker, paired with fruit, on pasta, melted in the oven with maple syrup and walnuts then scooped up with really nice crusty bread. In case you haven't noticed, I've eaten some really good cheese lately.

This post is brought to you by the Dominator, who just got back from Montreal (land of lovely cheese and sweet mother-in-laws who buy said cheese).

I am no different

2009-11-12T09:11:00.005-05:00

....than many other women. I succumb to media influences, too. I tried two different topics for this post before settling on the topic of body image. I had just come from a site with a slide show depicting images of women (and one man and one cat!!) and what their BMI's were (not the actual number, but the category: normal, overweight, etc.). Here it is:

http://kateharding.net/bmi-illustrated/

It was totally ridiculous! I would never guess that many of the individuals were categorized by the BMI as being "overweight" or "obese", or whatever other category they fit into. I guess that is exactly the point: how can we categorize someone, and their health, by looking at them???

According to the index, I am very close to being "overweight". A couple of pounds away. And while I have my moments, thinking about losing weight, annoyingly staring and poking at my soft tummy, I do not feel as though my weight is impacting my health. Embarrassingly, it's all about aesthetics when I do think about it. How I look in the mirror. Sad.

Why do we do this to ourselves? How does it help me, my confidence, to judge myself on something so arbitrary? I know that if I gained a lot of weight, it would not be helpful to my ankle, which hurts a lot when weight is placed on it. But come on, how much weight would I need to lose for my ankle not to hurt? An amount that would be unhealthy for the rest of me, that's for sure.

I'm not sure how to finish this post, or what conclusion to come to. I certainly don't feel like this all the time, but it does go to show you that anyone, no matter how confident and comfortable one is, can have times where they question themselves. Well, I do feel a bit better than when I started to write this post yesterday :)

In other news, I just joined BlogHer! Yay!! I'm actually doing something that I intended to do: start a blog to meet some folks in the same boat as me :)

StolenWords

2009-11-06T09:19:00.004-05:00

Recently my words have been stolen. Well, maybe "stolen" is not the word, but they have certainly been appropriated. I'm not too upset about it, I just find the situation bizarre. I had responded to an email to someone, as usual stating my opinion (I'm not known for that, really ;) ), backing it up with some stats. They then posted it somewhere public, without permission, and without indicating that they were my words.

Huh.

I'm not angry, or embarrassed, and I will stand by what I said. Just confused. Why would someone do that? I'm assuming that they thought I had good points, and it helped their argument. That's cool. But if that were me, I would have said something along the lines, "so-and-so said it best: 'insert quote' ".

Anyway, that was my weird moment of yesterday, a day way too filled with anger. The point of my email was to help someone with some facts, give my opinion, etc. on a topic that is near and dear to my heart: violence against women. Some of the misinformation out there is astounding! But that is another post for another day.

Oink Oink

2009-11-04T09:12:00.002-05:00

Sigh.

I feel so conflicted in so many ways regarding H1N1. For one thing, I feel that there is way too much hysteria and scare tactics surrounding this. However, I also feel like it shouldn't be taken lightly, that there are individuals who will be seriously impacted by this. I don't know if it will be any worse than the "normal flu" that happens every year, but why take a chance?

I've decided to get the vaccine. I'd been wavering back and forth about whether to do it or not, but have made the decision to go ahead and get it. With my compromised immune system I could be taking a serious chance if I do contract it.

It's bothering me that there are some people who are aggressive either for or against the vaccine. Just because I have made the decision to get it doesn't mean that I think anyone else should or should not. My big beef recently has been with those who don't see a need to take precautions, not necessarily for themselves, but for those around them. Why scoff at cleaning commonly used things such as doorknobs and phones? How does taking precautions during this time harm them? Especially when there are folks such as myself, and much worse, who are more subject to getting it, and cannot fight it off like most?

I get that people are tired of hearing about it. But these people are also commenting on it on Facebook, and in general conversations. Why perpetuate it? If you are sick of it, just leave it alone. It will pass.

On a better note, my boyfriend is a smarty-smart pants who is rocking his Master program :) He makes me feel happy and swine-free :)

Where I do one of those "meme" things for the first time ever

2009-11-01T14:39:00.002-05:00

I found this on http://chronicbabeclub.ning.com/. It was pretty insightful reading about others' experiences, many similar to my own, some different. Those who live with chronic/invisible illnesses certainly know the misunderstanding, and sometimes condescension, that comes with it. I feel things like this can really open up dialogue and create awareness. Here I go.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Rheumatoid Arthritis
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: late 2001
3. But I had symptoms since: early 2001 (lucky early diagnosis).
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: learning my limitations.
5. Most people assume: that I have osteoarthritis, that it's the same as the pain in their knee.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting out of bed and standing up.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House!
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: hmm, does a laptop count as a gadget? If not, the electric can opener.
9. The hardest part about nights are: finding a comfy position and not getting stuck in it.
10. Each day I take 3 pills & vitamins (except on tuesday, when it's 13. And the needle I take every two weeks).
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: love massage therapy and acupuncture.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: this depends on my mood. It would be nice to have people automatically see my disability, but it must be difficult to have the potential of constantly being defined by it.
13. Regarding working and career: I can currently manage my full-time job (which involves a lot of sitting and breaks when I need it), but need to lie down when I get home.
14. People would be surprised to know: that I may not love my situation, but I have accepted it. Having RA is a part of my life now (a pain-in-the-behind part, but still).
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: currently not being able to walk to work. It's so close! And getting pregnant. I just want to jump right into that. Alas, that cannot be done.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I once jogged for 25 minutes straight. I was high on happiness after that :)
17. The commercials about my illness: bug me like crazy. Yeah, it's just that easy for the pain to go away. Or the deformed/missing joints. Or the scars. Or the mobility aides.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: dancing for hours :( Being able to touch my head/face like a normal person.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: dreams of things that I would be able to do in my life. Things that involve being physical: most yoga positions, learning how to rock climb. In general, just being physically strong and capable.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: blogging :)
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Have a full, active day, and not pass out at the end of it.
22. My illness has taught me: to celebrate what I CAN do.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "but you're so young!" or, "yeah, I have a bad knee, too". I'm actually not that statistically young for RA. And I don't have "creaky" joints. My immune system is attacking and destroying many of my joints.
24. But I love it when people: tell me how strong they think I am. It's really sweet :)
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: life is good.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: that I am here to offer support and help and a shoulder to cry on, if they need it.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: just how much daily pain I can take. I have to say, it's pretty impressive what I do anyway, while being in horrendous pain (not to brag, or anything ;) ).
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: so many things. Between my mom and my boyfriend (and many other folks), I have been taken care of to no end: cleaning, dishes, dressing me, washing my hair, travelling with me to surgery, cooking for me, literally carrying me into the house :), asking me if I am alright, and most importantly, asking me if I need anything :)
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I actually just became aware of this too late. Next year I'd like to get more involved.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: really good. And hopeful :)

Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at www.invisibleillness.com

Babies, babies, oh my!!

2009-10-30T14:25:00.004-04:00

It's starting to feel really real. The whole baby thing. Not that it didn't feel real before, but something has been solidified. We had an appointment with my regular doc yesterday with the focus of informing him of our plan, asking a few questions, and asking for a referral to an ob/gyn (with whom I already have an appointment!!! Fast work, indeed!).

Now, it's not like I'm expecting the pregnancy to automatically be difficult, or scary. But, I want to be prepared in case it is. What if I'm not in the high percentage of women whose RA gets better? What if it gets worse? What meds are safe to take? Any??? I just want a good established relationship with an obstetrician BEFORE I get pregnant to avoid any delays when I get pregnant.

I just spent an afternoon in the company of some great women, and especially, some great kids. It was really nice getting the phone call from the doctor's office with my appointment date, then going back out and seeing these cuties and thinking, "this could be me, soon" :) Now I get to spend an evening with some great friends, good food, and one rockin', stompin' baby.

Happiness :)

Sunday Snow

2009-10-25T15:26:00.004-04:00

We've had a couple of snowfalls this year, little ones. One in particular a few weeks back that involved waking up to some white on the ground. However, today is THE snowfall! Waking up to that hush, where all sound is masked by fluffiness. Where, even when it is cloudy (obviously! It's snowing!), the light is bright, filling the house. When, as we speak, the neighbours snowblower is going, and the steps and driveway need to be shoveled, to clear away the hump left by the plow.

I, being ever the lazy one, have chosen to stay inside and admire from a distance. We've had a busy weekend, volunteering friday evening and all day saturday at a local fair-trade sale. I'm not sure if it should even be classified as volunteer work, what with our gift certificate and a chance to look around before the masses descended. It was an awesome day, energizingly busy, and a chance to help out with an organization that promotes fair-trade. Time to walk the talk, I guess. But, I need a recovery day. And that day is today.

As I type, the smells of homemade spaghetti sauce and home baked bread are filling the air. What a perfect accompaniment to the weather. I know that the winter here is unbelievably long. That the days are going to continue to get shorter and shorter, to the point of nearly being invisible, and that snow shovelling will not be anywhere near endearing.

But, I love it. I love winter. The snowshoeing, fishing, going to the cabin, ski-dooing, throwing snowballs at the dog/boyfriend :) Winter is just not the same in a city, and for me, life is just not the same without winter.

2009-10-21T12:25:00.006-04:00

I've had a rough couple of days, RA-wise.

I had been doing super well. Minimal pain lasting about a week. The Frankenstein/Hunchback of Notre Dame walk was not quite as noticeable. But, the RA monster has returned with a vengeance. In the ankle, shoulder, wrists and elbow :( Not to mention lovely side-effects from meds. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little negative. But, I don't want to. I want to feel positive. So, despite the pain, despite the med-induced nausea and fatigue, I'm going to think about positive things:

Road trip camping on a beach. The sound of the waves and sleeping on soft sand was just enough to erase the millions of mosquitoes:

Living in a part of the country with views like this:

The only form of exercise I can do these days :) :

Great friends who let me hold their really, really cute babies!:

All in all, life is pretty sweet. Sometimes you just need a little pick-me-up telling you that. So, maybe I have to hold down a job, but when I get holidays, they are filled with nature and amazing experiences shared with someone I love. I may not live in a cool, convenient city, but the wilderness and beauty around me far outweighs any convenience. Maybe I do walk like Frankenstein/Hunchback, but, boy can I ride a stationary bike! And, maybe I don't have my own babies yet, but I have many friends who do, and are all too happy to share the love and squishy-time :)

I feel better :)

2009-10-19T12:21:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I am very new to the world of blogging. It's been something I've been thinking about for a while. I've come to realize it may be just the forum to meet women who are going through the same issues that I am. I hope it works :)

I have had very aggressive rheumatoid arthritis for the past 9 years. In that time, I have been on countless medications, have had many ups and downs, faced big mobility issues, and have had two surgeries (one total elbow replacement, and one resection to FIX that replacement. Fun times). My disease has not been under control lately, and I'm aiming to fix that.

See, here's the thing: I've got babies on the brain. Big time. Ask my boyfriend, he'll tell you :) And the thing with rheumatoid arthritis (aka RA) is that you can't just get pregnant any ole time. There has to be planning, around meds, flares, surgeries, etc. So, I'm really hoping to find other women in the blogosphere that knows what I am going through (and other cool people, by the way. I do have other interests: food, the environment, books, movies). So, I know you're out there, lets support each other, mmmk?